“God makes me to continually run thru fields of flowers when there was a time I thought I’d never even walk.”
Healing From Fear
My testimony of healing began with the death of Mickey. Mickey was 5 months old and my third child, the doctors said it was a ‘sudden infant death’. At the time I’d never heard of such a thing. I grieved him deeply but since I had wanted four children and had no problems with pregnancy or delivery we set about to have another child and in 14 months had another boy who died of SIDS when he was 7 weeks old.
To say that my world collapsed would be the supreme understatement. I felt lost, empty, abandoned and rejected. I tried to be strong for my two children, who at 6 and 4 understood less of what had happened than I did. But I never for a minute forgot that they needed me, regardless of how I was grieving.
My husband was grieving also; he had wanted children as much as I. At the time he was working on a midnight shift and so I never shared with him how afraid I was for our two surviving children. It was so bad, I was so afraid that they would die if I wasn’t vigilant that I had difficulty sleeping at night. When I began to relax I would jerk awake again. My husband had tried to get transferred to a different shift but couldn’t and so I didn’t tell him how afraid I was.
I looked for answers. Why did this happen? Why twice when the doctor had never heard of two incidences in one family? Where was God? Did He know? Did He care? Could He do anything about my pain? Had he just set the world in motion and gone away? I read books about other religions and found even LESS hope.
Eventually an acquaintance shared with us how Jesus had changed his life, even healing a serious back injury so that he could function normally. We both decided that was the God we needed to know. We went to prayer meetings and accepted Jesus’ sacrifice for us and one night a friend said, “I think you must have a lot of fears for your other children and I think we should pray for you.” My first thought was that my husband had been telling on me and my second was that even he didn’t know that I had such terror for my two surviving children that I didn’t sleep at night (because, after all, he couldn’t do anything about it.) They all gathered around and prayed for me and we eventually went home that night, and I didn’t feel any different.
We got ready for bed that night and I went to check on our daughter and son and make sure they were tucked in. I always put off that task as long as possible because I was so afraid I’d find one dead. I would walk to each bed in dread and fear -- and if they didn’t move I would have to kiss, stroke or prod until I got a response, a sign of life -- and then my heart would beat again, I would breathe again, straighten covers and tuck them in and close their door.
Well, that night after the prayers of friends, I procrastinated and dreaded as much as ever BUT the instant I crossed the threshold of the first bedroom door, my son murmured. Whew, I covered him and closed his door and dreaded the next walk to my daughter’s bed. The very second I entered her room she turned over. And I gave a deep sigh. And so the next night something very similar happened. And every single night until something like 6 weeks had passed and I realized that the fear was gone. And the fear for my children has stayed gone. We eventually adopted a child and I have at times feared for what she might do but I have not feared for her. Our son rode a motorcycle to high school and I didn’t fear for his safety. He served 4 years in the Marines and I had no fear for his safety.
Healing From Cancer
Over these years since, of getting to know the Lord, of walking with Him and learning to know Him and not just about Him, I have also learned to trust Him. And when I had a small cancer and a hysterectomy I had no fear. My husband had radiation treatment for prostate cancer and I have had no fear. And when I had a recurrence of cancer with chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation I had no fear.
I take no credit for it. It is nothing I could do if I tried. It is something God has done for me, a free gift that I could never earn or deserve. I think it’s like when a little child -- one who has a good, loving, trusting relationship with her parent -- walks with that parent into a new and different situation. There are many unfamiliar things, strange noises and smells but the hand is held firmly and the child KNOWS that the parent is WITH her. And she may say, “What’s that? That’s loud. That looks scary.” But she’s very aware that the loving parent is with her and He will not let go of her hand.